It all faded. Getting those little butterflies just before our dates. The excitement from seeing you and your name pop up on my phone, was gone.   

I became less and less attached and more focused on other things, any other things. I would look into your eyes and even though they were the same, my perspective changed. I tried so hard to stay, but what I felt was eating me alive, I couldn’t take it anymore. I constantly went back and forth with myself:

“What would happen if I actually do leave?”

“Would you hate me forever?”

“Would I change my mind and regret the whole decision?”

As tears of guilt fell down my face night after night and my thoughts took over, I felt my heart leave my body.

I couldn’t even recognize my own self. I became more angry and frustrated with time going by as my feelings went unknown. It felt like you didn’t even notice, or maybe you did, but you were just too scared to acknowledge it. The clues and hints were all there, waving right in front of your stupid face. A small part of me even wished you would hurt me in any way so I could have an excuse to leave, but I knew you would never intentionally do so.

My decision was made and I knew it had to be done. My impulse was to break up with you, break your heart. This was never something I saw myself doing. The idea of being alone was the only thing that made we want to stay and nothing else. It hurt me knowing that you cared for me and you were really trying, but it just wasn’t enough for me to change my mind.

“Can we meet up after school?”

“And do what?”

“Talk.”

The final messages we would exchange as a couple.

As we sat in the cafeteria face to face, all the words that I wanted to say wouldn’t come out. My brain went to mush as you stared at me with your big eyes getting annoyed with the silence. You finally realized by my watery eyes and fidgety body, that I was about to do the thing that you feared the most. I attempted to explain my feelings so that you could understand,  the room began to blur behind my tears;

“It’s j-just that…”

Snif-snif

“My feelings a-aren’t…”

As my voice continued to sound like a broken record, you could barely look me in the eyes. At this point, water streams poured on both sides of my face, my eyes were puffy like I’d just been punched. The dissapointment in your face made me feel even worse, like what I’d done wasn’t right. But it was right for me.

The weight of keeping everything to myself had finally been lifted off my shoulders. Although, knowing I hurt someone else’s feelings still brought me down. If I just had the courage to tell you before how I felt, things wouldn’t be this hard.

I thought to myself, “He’s a guy, he’ll move on and forget.” but deep down inside I knew you weren’t like that. He wasn’t the type of guy that could be with someone for months and then get over it the next day. He cared.

I only told my close friends about what I had done. I knew by their raised eyebrows and open mouths that they did not see this coming.

“Why, what happened ?!?”

“Whaat..I’m confused..”

I already knew what their responses were going to be even before it left their mouths because they had no idea. No one did. After giving them the explanation they desperately wanted, I returned to my thoughts.

Guilt consumed my mind, but my body was numb. I went home that day with no motivation to do anything. I couldn’t turn on the TV, start my homework, or even listen to music. My thoughts didn’t allow it.

Will I ever be absolutely happy with myself again?…Can I handle being alone?

Where does my life go from here?

More questions were raised and even though I was asking myself them, I truly didn’t have any answers. I cried that night, and the night after that, and so on. I was less engaged in my life and more focused on how you felt, how you were doing. But I had to remember to be strong, for my own sake.

As the days went on, I slowly began to heal. The feeling of freedom took over, I no longer had to focus on the relationship. I focused on me. The grief I once felt gradually slipped away along with all my tears.

My priorities became more self centered, and I didn’t mind for once. I took the time to stop and think of what I wanted. No one had control over my actions, whether I wanted to stay home all day or go out all night, it was my choice. Nothing else interfered. I found satisfaction in being able to do this without putting someone else before me. I was finally, at ease.  

This moment of bravery will always be with me no matter where my life takes me. It was the first time in a long time that I was selfish, and for all the right reasons.