The Patriot Voice

Infotainment: A Conclusive List of Benefits to Subarctic Temperatures

Julia Tran, Staff Writer

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Got a case of the winter blues? Peruse this list to see how winter can work for you.

  1. Torture
  2. Turning hot chocolate into chocolate ice cream
  3. Calling in sick days to work
  4. Health insurance companies when you break your back while slipping on ice
  5. Snowball fights
  6. Snowball battles
  7. Snowball wars
  8. World War 3: Snowball Edition
  9. Losing a glove
  10. Wearing tights under leggings under jeans under a winter coat
  11. Weddings for people who don’t want their extended family there
  12. Moose
  13. If you’re one of those guys, wearing basketball shorts.  
  14. Bragging about how much colder your home-state is and how “the cold doesn’t really affect you” to people from warmer regions
  15. The Yeti
  16. Excuse for not answering someone’s text because your phone battery dropped from 80 to 0 in the cold
  17. Scaring people when they see a trail of foreign footprints in the snow leading to their front door
  18. Crime because who is going to chase someone in -20 degree weather?
  19. Losing money because of heating bills
  20. “Proof” for climate-change deniers that global warming isn’t real as they turn up their thermostat and consume more fossil fuels
  21. The blanket industry

 

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